So, I was asked to do a ‘character interview’ for Touch Sensitive…
… and things got real weird, real fast.
Here’s the unedited transcript:
How would you describe the book of which you are the star?
In all honesty? Jesus… where to begin.
The bastard on the other side of the keyboard has consigned me to a life of essentially being a shit magnet, dredging through the very worst humanity has to offer. I try to look on the bright side, y’know, often with the aid of whisky and too many cigarettes – because some stereotypes exist for a bloody reason.
Dammit, I was meant to be talking about the book…
Yeah, it’s great, screws my life up real good, whilst taking you on a magical mystery tour of Liverpool, and giving you a picture of the city that I’m pretty much trapped in.
My own personal prison where my condition is less likely to mess my day up and freak others out in the process.
This condition you speak of?
Read the damn blurb, what am I, your nursemaid?
I’m a sensitive, y’know, I absorb memories via a sense, simple enough. Touch is my gift – ha! – gift… it’s as much of a damn curse as it sounds. Can’t even blow my nose without reliving the memory of the tissue.
And you know what? Even that recycled handicapped cousin of a tree has a better damn life than me since this all kicked off.
Jesus, that sounds awful… why haven’t you just killed yourself already?
What do you think I am, some kind of wuss?
Glutton for punishment, me. Watch me gluttoning it up over here. My life ain’t all grouchy spaff! I like to laugh, I’m sarcastic as your ma’ on toast, and frankly, I’m fun for all the family.
Okay… tell us a joke then?
This child-molesting KKK member in blackface tailgates a mosque on Eid – –
I think I’m going to stop you right there… Interview over.
It’s a great punchline. you’re missing out.
I hate you so much.
You are me, idiot.
That explains so much.
Tell me about it… I have to live with you…
I wish I had more words to apologise than just ‘sorry’.
However, be assured that Touch Sensitive is an amazingly well received book, despite that guy being the lead being kind-of a dick to me in interviews…